I've had a few (okay, a lot of) embarrassing moments in my life. For one thing, I'm not that hard to embarrass. I've always envied those people who are not easily embarrassed. You know the ones (my husband is one of them) who just possess this magical ability to not only laugh but crack jokes on their own behalf and make everyone else laugh too when they suddenly find themselves in the midst of a moment that would make me want to vanish into thin air, leaving nothing but a puff of smoke behind.
You see I can do it later, after the fact...like right now. Now, when I'm out of the humiliating situation and back here away from all the curious eyes upon me. It is now that I begin to think of other things I could have said, like how embarrassed I was for one. Why don't I have the ability to just come right out and say, "I am so embarrassed right now" when I've just accidentally done something really stupid?
I suspect you are now beginning to wonder where in the world I'm going with this so here's the story...
If I've said it once I've said it a hundred thousand times...I struggle with early mornings. No surprise there. It takes every ounce of willpower in my five foot four body to get my tail out of that bed each morning before the sun rises, make sure both boys get up and dressed, pack a lunch, make breakfast, brush my teeth, run a comb real quick through my hair and throw on some clothes before heading out the door at 7:15 ish a.m.
If I'm real lucky I'll be able to get a few sips of coffee in me before time to go and this morning I did. Not enough to wake me up, apparently, but I did get a few sips of the Folgers before we left so I cannot blame this on complete lack of caffeine.
First we drop Dracen off at the elementary school since the tardy bell rings there at 7:35, a fact that still pisses me off each time I see it in writing. Next we head over to the middle school and get in line since the doors there do not even open until 7:35. And the schools are less than a mile apart. Genius, I know.
So this morning I pulled in behind a brand new shiny Volvo in my five year old paid for Saturn and began fishing around in my purse for my iPhone...
Okay let me stop right here for a minute to say, in my defense, I am not one of those people who texts and drives or whips out my phone at inappropriate times. Because I am so not. I admittedly have a bit of an addiction to my phone (just like everyone else) but I know where the boundaries lie and give it my all to stay within them.
But Devin puts his ear buds in as soon as we get in the car each morning so while we are waiting in line I take that opportunity to check emails and sometimes facebook...
Well, this morning we had just pulled in (behind the brand new shiny Volvo) that I didn't even pay any attention to at the time, and began fishing around in my purse for my iPhone when suddenly there is a bang out of nowhere, Devin is shouting, "MOM!!!" and I look up to see that I have indeed rolled right into the brand new shiny black (I notice the color now) Volvo. So I scream.
Yes, literally. I screamed. Then I got my wits about me...okay, not really...but, enough to know to put the car in Reverse and get off the Volvo's bumper. I then procceded to get out of the car which pained me deeply...the getting out of the car part.
Because first of all, there were a lot of cars in that line and as sure as my name is Diane, I knew darn well there was at least one, if not fifteen, people in that line who knew me. I'm just thankful to God above that I had put on a bra and some actual clothes because I came this close to going out in my pajama top and hoodie this morning.
But still...I certainly was not dressed for success. Nope. I threw on a pair of sweats (the kind that only come down to the calves) a long sleeve gray t-shirt and the nearest shoes I could find, which just so happened to be a pair of flats.
And not just any ol' pair of flats either. These bad boys have sequins. Because everybody knows that sequined flats are the perfect way to add a little flair and interest to your "I just rolled outta bed" look.
The lady got out of the brand new shiny black Volvo, threw up her hands and said, "Brand New Car...Brand.New.Car!"
And it was in that precise moment that I wanted to die.
Okay, so I'm being melodramatic. I didn't really want to die but I did very much want to click the heels of my sparkly shoes in an attempt to vanish into that puff of smoke.
Or at the least just come up with something better to say than, "I'm sorry...I'm so, so, sooo sorry!" over and over and over, followed by, "Well, I don't see any marks." and "I never do things like this."
She did not see any marks either but still wanted my insurance information because she said she knew her husband would ask if she got it so after letting Devin out (who I am quite sure was praying really hard that he'd too go Poof...bless his heart) I was forced to pull over in a parking space and get out so ALL the people in the very long line of cars that were behind us could get a good look at me, just in case they hadn't already, and give her a piece of paper on which I had shakily scribbled down my name, phone number, and insurance information.
Now please make me feel better by telling me about one of your most embarrassing moments.
I will love you forever,