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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

PINT: Pass the chocolate and turn down the heat

It is Tuesday, once again, which means it's time for POST IT NOTE TUESDAY with SupahMommy!

Monday, July 26, 2010

I can feel the fizz rising

The boys and I have gotten into a very bad habit of sleeping in every morning and staying up too late at night. 

I was doing some serious dreaming when I woke up this morning though the details are a little fuzzy.  There was something about a woman who was trying to auction off her husband, me being somewhere near the ocean and frantically searching for someone and right before I woke up, I was writing my blog in a notebook in which the pages, along with the ink in the pen, kept changing colors.  

Please someone tell me I'm not the only one who dreams such crazy, random stuff.  I just wish I could recall what I was writing in that notebook because I was working that pen with no end in sight.  

I am having a bit of a hard time blogging as of late, if you hadn't noticed, because I'm preoccupied with worrying about my mom. She still has not gotten any better, only worse, and we still don't have a diagnosis.

I can feel the rage building inside and while I'm usually able to keep it suppressed for a pretty good while, I fear I'm going to snap soon and some innocent health care professional is going to be hit with the brunt of my fury. 

That happened once a year or two ago over an incident that happened with Dracen.  I snapped on a doctor, though luckily it was over the phone so I did not hit anyone or get barred from the doctor's office. 

I am really not normally a violent or rageful person.  In fact, I am quite the opposite.  I will generally go out of my way to avoid conflict or confrontation but everyone has their breaking point and I'm no different.  Though it seems to be worse when someone like me, who is quiet and calm by nature, reaches that point. 

It's like shaking up a bottle of soda and letting it sit for a moment watching all the aggravated fizz rise to the surface then finally deciding to let it go by unscrewing that lid. Yeah, I'd say that's exactly like what happens on the rare occasion that I lose my cool and control of my emotions.

It's just a matter of time. 

So as not to end on an angry note, I will tell y'all about the two little bloggy awards I was so very honored to receive this week.  I have been given a few in the past and neglected to mention them but they always make me smile and realize that although many times I feel like I'm just rambling here in this blog, some of what I write must actually be entertaining and/or inspiring to read on occasion. 

HRH Mommy over at M for Mommy bestowed the lovely blog award upon me.  

Stef at Ooops...There Goes My Mind (love that title!) gave me the versatile blogger award. 

Thanks, ladies! I enjoy both their blogs as well.  Go check them out.

I think I'm now supposed to tell 7 random things about myself but Lord knows, I do that all the time on here and as one of my first blog posts, I made a list of 100 random things about me that I've also made into a page so you can skim over that if you feel so obliged.  

Hope y'all have a wonderful Monday,


Sunday, July 25, 2010

Getting to Know You Sunday

I've been kind of awal from the blog for most of this week.  I actually did attempt two or three posts that I just did not think made the cut so I 86'ed em.

Today is Sunday though which means it's time for GTKY with Keely at Mannland5 so here we go:

1. Thong or Granny Panties?
Umm...there are so many other choices in pantyland besides granny panties and thongs and I mostly prefer bikini cut though I do own my share of thongs because there are just some items of clothing that insist on panty lines unless one is wearing a thong.  Granny panties?  NO! 
 2. If you see a guy with his fly down, do you tell him?
If I know him well, I will tell him or make someone else tell him but if he's just some random stranger, heck no.

3. Spanx or no Spanx?
I've never owned nor tried on spanx and have no intentions whatsoever of doing so.  Sounds very constricting and uncomfortable...two adjectives that tend to make me grumpy!

4. Do you sleep in your sheets?
I'm not sure I understand this question exactly but I always sleep with sheets on the bed and am usually covered up by them.  I tend to get hot at night so I turn the a/c down a couple of degrees before bed so that I need at least a sheet covering me.

5. What is your favorite Disney character?
I don't know that I've ever had a true favorite Disney character but for some reason I've always had a soft spot for little Eeyore the donkey from Winnie the Pooh.


6. Dream vacation spot?
There are sooo many I want to visit but when I think of a truly relaxing vacay, I still see Juan with those umbrella drinks!  :)   
7. What is your dream job?
This is a great question that I've been searching for the answer to for most of my life.  If ever I find it though, you can bet I'll blog about it. 


8. Who is your hero and why?
I don't have a good clear cut answer for this one either though a "hero" to me is often someone who is constantly doing and helping out behind the scenes.  Heros don't always wear capes or save damsels in distress.  There are and have been many people in my life who fit the description of a hero because of the way they live their lives with courage and faith, no matter what storms have come their way.

Getting to know YOU

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out: Still, I worry.

Today I'm linking up with Shell at Things I Can't Say...

I'm a world class worry wart.  Always have been. It is, without a doubt, my worst habit. 

But the thing is, you wouldn't really know it because I internalize most everything.  I can look calm, cool and collective on the outside but be a total wreck and bundle of nerves on the inside.  

When I was a very young child, (I'm talkin' like 4 or 5) I can recall looking out the window at the tall skinny pine trees behind the house when the wind was blowing  and becoming sick with worry at the sight of those trees swaying.  I don't know why because they weren't close enough to fall on the house.  Maybe I was actually worried about the trees themselves.  Who knows?  The point is, I was worrying over something pointless and not telling anyone...just keeping it all to my little 4 year old self. 

I still have the occasional dream that I show up at high school or college for a test that I am totally unprepared for because I either didn't know about it or forgot about it and I've been out of school for...well, a really long time! 

I've always been introverted but not in a way that I don't like people or being around them.  I actually do like meeting new people, very much, but it takes quite awhile for me to become comfortable around someone and really open up and be myself around them.  What usually ends up happening though, is the person thinks I don't like them since I didn't talk to them very much and I hear from a friend or family member that "so and so" thinks you don't like him/her.  And I'm always stumped and then I worry. 

I worry every time I meet someone new....I hope she doesn't think I didn't like her...I should have said....or.... I worry after I've talked to someone not new!...why didn't I say...?...did that come across the way I wanted it to?  You get the idea.  Worry wart!

I worry the most though about the ones I love, the ones closest to me in the whole world.  My oldest, Devin, (who just turned 11) was the best baby you could hope for, meaning that he slept through the night almost from the very beginning and didn't cry unless he really needed something.  I, though, normally a hard core heavy sleeper, woke up every hour or so just to check to see if he was still breathing.  I even get worried still today when he or Dracen is sleeping really late and find myself doing that same little "mom of a newborn" routine by going in their rooms to check for signs of movement. 

Losing their father and my first husband, Darin, to a very freak accident at the end of 2003, as you can well imagine, did not help with my worrying problem.  I am constantly envisioning horrible things happening to Charlie, one of the boys, another family member, or even myself!

About a month or so before Darin died, we came home from church one day to find a dead bird in the driveway.  We assumed it flew into the glass window of the garage door and broke its neck.  I had Darin take Devin out into the yard and bury it.  I thought about that bird sometime after Darin died and started thinking that maybe that bird was a sign.  Now if ever I find a dead bird, what do I do?  Worry....

I know it's crazy and completely illogical and I pray about it.  A lot.

Lately, I've been worried about my mom.  She is in a lot of pain and has been and is still going through lots of testing but does not have a diagnosis yet. My mom is the most selfless, giving person I have ever known and it's really not just because she is my mom.  It is who she is with everyone she meets.  Being fiercely independent and taking care of the people she loves is just who she is and has always been.  Not being able to do that and having to depend on others to take care of her is hard for her.  I know it is. 

You can imagine how much the world class worry wart in me is worried.  I know the Bible tells us to turn all our worries over to God...

 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6 (NIV)

I'm still working on that.