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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out: Still, I worry.

Today I'm linking up with Shell at Things I Can't Say...

I'm a world class worry wart.  Always have been. It is, without a doubt, my worst habit. 

But the thing is, you wouldn't really know it because I internalize most everything.  I can look calm, cool and collective on the outside but be a total wreck and bundle of nerves on the inside.  

When I was a very young child, (I'm talkin' like 4 or 5) I can recall looking out the window at the tall skinny pine trees behind the house when the wind was blowing  and becoming sick with worry at the sight of those trees swaying.  I don't know why because they weren't close enough to fall on the house.  Maybe I was actually worried about the trees themselves.  Who knows?  The point is, I was worrying over something pointless and not telling anyone...just keeping it all to my little 4 year old self. 

I still have the occasional dream that I show up at high school or college for a test that I am totally unprepared for because I either didn't know about it or forgot about it and I've been out of school for...well, a really long time! 

I've always been introverted but not in a way that I don't like people or being around them.  I actually do like meeting new people, very much, but it takes quite awhile for me to become comfortable around someone and really open up and be myself around them.  What usually ends up happening though, is the person thinks I don't like them since I didn't talk to them very much and I hear from a friend or family member that "so and so" thinks you don't like him/her.  And I'm always stumped and then I worry. 

I worry every time I meet someone new....I hope she doesn't think I didn't like her...I should have said....or.... I worry after I've talked to someone not new!...why didn't I say...?...did that come across the way I wanted it to?  You get the idea.  Worry wart!

I worry the most though about the ones I love, the ones closest to me in the whole world.  My oldest, Devin, (who just turned 11) was the best baby you could hope for, meaning that he slept through the night almost from the very beginning and didn't cry unless he really needed something.  I, though, normally a hard core heavy sleeper, woke up every hour or so just to check to see if he was still breathing.  I even get worried still today when he or Dracen is sleeping really late and find myself doing that same little "mom of a newborn" routine by going in their rooms to check for signs of movement. 

Losing their father and my first husband, Darin, to a very freak accident at the end of 2003, as you can well imagine, did not help with my worrying problem.  I am constantly envisioning horrible things happening to Charlie, one of the boys, another family member, or even myself!

About a month or so before Darin died, we came home from church one day to find a dead bird in the driveway.  We assumed it flew into the glass window of the garage door and broke its neck.  I had Darin take Devin out into the yard and bury it.  I thought about that bird sometime after Darin died and started thinking that maybe that bird was a sign.  Now if ever I find a dead bird, what do I do?  Worry....

I know it's crazy and completely illogical and I pray about it.  A lot.

Lately, I've been worried about my mom.  She is in a lot of pain and has been and is still going through lots of testing but does not have a diagnosis yet. My mom is the most selfless, giving person I have ever known and it's really not just because she is my mom.  It is who she is with everyone she meets.  Being fiercely independent and taking care of the people she loves is just who she is and has always been.  Not being able to do that and having to depend on others to take care of her is hard for her.  I know it is. 

You can imagine how much the world class worry wart in me is worried.  I know the Bible tells us to turn all our worries over to God...

 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6 (NIV)

I'm still working on that.


  1. Diane, as one that has caused you as much worry as anyone, I apologize. I pray for each and every outing/trip/adventure that it will be safe and that God will wrap his arms of protection around those wonderful boys. I still feel bad about Drays' shoulder. I also know that the tooth fairy will be running a deficient if that doesn't soon come to a end. I tend to worry beyond reason at times too. So I understand. Thus, Trusting in the Lord and using the commonsense that he gave us is the best I can do. Oh, and I just love your blog!!

  2. I am also introverted in the same way that you are. The right words just don't seem to make it to my lips, but to my fingertips... Your writing is wonderful and I am proud to be a new follower.

  3. I try to turn my worries over, but I'm so bad at it. Sending prayers of peace to you.

  4. I found you from Pour Your Heart Out. I love your blog and will follow you.
    I am still working on turning some stuff over to God. It makes things a lot better if you do. All the best to you as you work on this. You will succeed.

  5. I think what you just articulated is what so many other women think. But, nobody really owns up to it. Some of the worries that I come of with are ridiculous. If I ever say them out loud to someone, I immediately realize how irrational they are. Of course, there are real "worries", too. I think that's what makes us dependent of the Lord.

    I will say, though, that when you go through things like losing Darin in such a way that you did, it can't help but "color" your thinking.

  6. Oh Diane, I worry too. It's something I've done since I was a young girl as well. I feel like I have anxiety at times. It is so hard to try and keep your senses about you and to not overreact. I love the quote from the bible you put on here. I will look at it from now on when I am full of worry. Thank you for posting this.

    Also, for some reason my gmail isn't letting me send out emails. Thank you for your comment on my PYHO today. I think I will make sure this girls family receives my post. Thank you for letting me know your thoughts on it. xoxo

  7. Hi Diane,

    Try to give yourself a break. I can see where the worries come from, but they don't help. I know, easier said than done.

    Also, wanted to let you know that I gave you an award. Come pick it up at

    Have a great weekend!

  8. Hey Diane, I worry a lot also! I try not to, but I still do. I know we are supposed to let go and let God handle these worries, but I think it is a human thing to have them, especially in such a stressful world today! So you are not alone! I hope you have a worry free, fun and happy Sunday!

    Mama Hen