I've been watching The Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo a lot lately. Don't judge me. You know you watch trashy reality t.v. too! Why does a millionaire need a matchmaker to help him/her find love? That was my first thought. I mean, there are plenty of gold diggers out there who would jump at the chance to date a person simply because they have oodles of money. And if a person has the intelligence and skill to go out and make millions of dollars surely they must possess a certain amount of charisma, right?
The majority of these characters who hire this spitfire of a woman (Patti Stanger) to find them a mate are absolutely clueless when it comes to love and dating. Clue.less!
In just the few episodes I've watched, I have witnessed some stuff that has made me want to write a book advising people what NOT to do on a first date.
Here are just a few...
~Don't ask your date at what age she lost her virginity.
~Don't give your blind date a pole dance immediately after introducing yourself.
~Don't schedule a mani/pedi/facial for your date and then tell her that you will be giving them to her yourself and then proceed to role play with her (while giving her the pedicure) by pretending that she is your wife who is carrying your baby girl twins.
~Don't lead with, " I used to have kids but after we divorced and she married someone else, he adopted them and became their father."
~Don't schedule a game of polo (WTH plays polo?!) for your very first date, especially when you've never even played the game yourself.
~Don't show up at your date's door at 7:00 in the morning, unannounced, and tell her you are there to pick her up for your date.
~Don't guzzle your wine with a straw and then tell your date that you will help him start his business, buy him a Maserati and that you really want to have sex with him before proceeding to rub his ...ahem...leg under the dinner table.
~Don't ask your date what she has to offer a man. Hello?
~Don't ask your date how he would feel about living in an all pink apartment and how he feels about Botox for dogs because you have been thinking of getting it for your 8 year old dog because that's like, 56 in dog years!
I could not possibly make this stuff up. It was all done/said by the millionaires who went on the show to supposedly look for love.
Maybe my next advice column will be about how not to parent, courtesy of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills....