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Thursday, March 1, 2012

I'm Really Not As Dangerous As I Look

I had to go to the Justice Center yesterday because the Register of Deeds office is located inside there and Devin is, yet again, being required to submit his birth certificate for a traveling baseball team. I used to have two or three copies of it but apparently I never got the last one back or I put it somewhere really, really weird because I tore the house apart looking for it last Saturday. To no avail.  

So I walked my happy butt into the front door of the main building, wearing my blue jeans, pink and white floral scarf, pink rain jacket, Converse sneakers, and totin' my cute little Vera Bradley bag.  You know?  Looking like a serious threat to public safety and national security.  


Because as I approached the little glass booth with the security guard in it, he walked outta there with his hands all gloved up in latex, and without so much as hinting to crack a smile said, "Come on up."  I put my Vera Bradley down on the table that he immediately unzipped and started pawing through as he looked up at me and said (all exhausted like), "Come on through, you idiot."  Okay, so he didn't really say 'idiot' but I swear he implied it.  

After I walked through the little security gate and he continued to paw through my belongings, he was dead serious when he looked at me and asked, "You don't have any guns, knives, hand grenades or anything like that in here, do you?"  

And it took every ounce of strength in my body to keep the sarcasm queen locked up because she was practically cutting flips and karate chopping at the door to get out as she shouted her witty comebacks at me.  This guy didn't seem like the type who would appreciate her humor though so I took a deep breath, smiled at him, shook my head no and kinda snickered as I replied, "I don't think so."  

And for one split second I thought I saw the corner of his mouth begin to hint at a smile but he stopped it dead in its tracks, zipped my bag back up and said, "Good. Register of Deeds is to your left."

I don't know what it is about me but I swear every.single.time I have to go through a security checkpoint, it's almost as if I'm flying a  freak flag and wearing a sticker that says, "Hello, My name is Psycho and I have a bomb in my bag."  

Back in August when Charlie and I flew to Maine, I wore a long maxi dress which is apparently a big no-no because the gloved, uniformed female officer stopped me, told me to stand "over there" and wait until she could get another female officer to come pat me down.  

Charlie was already through and looking back at me as if to say WTH? and I gave him my I have no idea...WTH? look back. She finally told me that the reason I had to be patted down was because of my long dress, they couldn't see if I had anything underneath (as in between my legs).  She said, "Maybe you don't, but maybe you do...I just don't know, do I?!" 


I don't even own a gun.  

And I'm always careful to leave my hand grenades in the car before entering a high security area.  

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  1. I fly kinda often and am amazed at the folks that get searched(Older ladies and men) and the folks that obviously wernt born here because they speak little english get waved through. Yea, maybe I profile a little bit but it ticked me off the last time I got searched and they did the little explosive material swab on me.

    Plus, why cnat they find people with somee personality??

  2. I guess they don't get a lot maxi dressed visitors.

  3. I absolutely HATE going through security checkpoints! Seems like whenever I do, I'm the one who gets pegged as the 'terrorist'. Yeah...little ol' me! Boy, is it ever annoying! I mean I stand all of 4'11" on a good day!

  4. I had to travel back and forth from Canada to the Us everyday to go to work. I had to go through customs. I loathed it.
    Once a officer asked if I had a mexican in my trunk. I laughed my ass off and he said "I'm being serious."
    And he was.
    He checked my trunk

  5. When we were in Europe for 3 months, RY always got had a hard time getting through security. Back then, Europe was already serious about Security.

    When we went to Bahamas last year, he forgot and kept his pocket knife in his pocket. Not a good idea:)

    You have to be patted down if you wear a hoodie, too:) I found out the hard way!

  6. That's awesome. :) You totally strike me as the crazy type. My last name used to be Smith, so I was searched every.single.time I flew - because obviously that was a fake name. Duh.

  7. It's so uncomfortable and you feel so violated when they're pawing through your goods. I have gotten the pat down more times than I cared for too. Usually it's because I'm wearing a hoodie or something. I won't take those off so they have to pat me down.

  8. I once went to the courthouse with a box cutter in my purse after unpacking a bunch of shipping boxes at work...I was so embarrassed!

  9. This made me giggle... kind of like the time we took the fourth grade to the court house and ALL of the teachers had backpacks, because it was a Field Trip and we had stuff to carry... mine is Vera Bradley by the way... in fact, most of the fourth grade teachers have matching ones... yes, we are like that...

    Then there is the time my mom flew back from up North with my kids... she hasn't offered to do that again! :-)