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Wednesday, August 17, 2011

My Awkward Moment with the Chicken Farmer...

I was a twenty two year old college student and had been dating a fellow student for awhile.  He was several years older than me, going back to school to study Engineering, and living with a roommate off campus.  

He was from a town a couple of hours away and said that back home he was a chicken farmer.  Hmm....okay, kinda odd but he was sweet, cute and could dance like nobody's business.  And aside from the fact that he had a bit of an embarrassing donkey laugh that I was first graced with in a crowded movie theater, we were hitting it off pretty good.  

He and a friend of his were teaching me dances (this was back in the early 90's during the country music line dancing craze) and well, I've told y'all before how much I love to dance so I was having me a good ol' time kickin' up the dancing heels of my red cowboy boots.  

He was much more attentive than the boyfriend I'd been used to back home, taking me out to a special dinner for my birthday, sending me flowers, calling often.  He even made a fool of himself by coming to one of my aerobics classes at the gym with me once. But most weekends he had to go back home to "check on his mama and see how things were running back on the chicken farm".  

What a good guy, I thought.  Who knows?  Maybe one day...

Well one day finally did come but not the one I had envisioned...  

We had gone to the country music bar/club where we liked to dance, where we had actually met, and were standing over to the corner near the stage drinking our beers and enjoying the band when I realized I had to use the restroom.  Being the gentleman that he always was with me, he asked if I'd like him to hold my beer for  me until I got back so I handed it to him and off I went.  

I wasn't gone 5 minutes but as I walked back out of the restroom towards him I froze in my tracks and watched the color drain out of his face as some woman I'd never seen before (and who, honestly, did not look like anyone who would be his type to me) walked up to him with a big grin on her face, and placed her hands on his cheeks.  

I wasn't close enough to hear what was being said but he looked like he wanted to run for the door and never look back.  I was absolutely clueless as to what was going on but the first thing that came to my mind was stalker!...He's got a crazy, psycho stalker chick!  This cannot possibly end well!  I saw Fatal Attraction!

I figured I'd better stop standing there watching this train wreck from afar and swoop in and rescue him from this crazy lady, whoever she was, so I walked back over there all smiles and with my head held high like I owned the place but when he looked at me, I thought the poor guy was gonna collapse in a heap on the floor.  He didn't look like he knew whether to "scratch his watch or wind his butt"!  

So there the three of us were, enveloped in a sea of awkwardness, that at least two of us were clearly unaware as to which way it had washed in, and staring back and forth at each other with puzzled faces until finally he handed me my beer and walked off.  Walked Off!

And disappeared into the safety of the men's room, leaving the two of us standing there together like we were long lost sorority sisters.  I can't recall how much time passed (probably not as much as it felt like) but we were both just standing there staring off at the band, I with my beer and she with her big giant granny pocketbook, though she did turn to me right after he walked away and asked, "Are you with him?"

I think I just nodded my head and said, "yeah" and then we just went back to our silent awkwardness as we stood watching and waiting until he finally mosied back up and said to me, "I'll be back in a minute" and I watched the two of them disappear outside...he clearly trying to calm her down from whatever was eating her.  

And that's when I knew she was no stalker chick.  She was the chicken farmer's wife!  I knew it in my gut at this point and I didn't even need to hear it from him.  He stayed gone for what seemed like forever.  It's been a lot of years so I can't recall but I know it was at least an hour.  I had quite a few fellas offer to take me home but I declined, telling myself I'd call someone if he didn't show back up with his explanation soon.  

When he finally showed back up I was good and fuming mad, took one look at him and said, "TAKE ME HOME, NOW!" Of course he tried to give me his sad little explanation about how they were separated and he didn't tell me because he didn't think I'd date him if I knew..yada, yada, yada....BULLS**T! 

That crazy fool tried his best to woo me back for awhile after that but no cowboy country line dancing, two stepping move in the world was gonna do it.  Plus, he still had that whole donkey laugh thing working against him so it was all for the best.

Oh, and the chicken farm thing?  All a lie.  Turns out, the Mrs. was putting his sorry butt through school.  Or at least that was the story his other dancing friend gave me... 

I am sure I will never know the full truth of the matter but that particular night still holds the Most Awkward Moment of my Life title in the history of me book.  And let's hope it stays that way!

Post inspired by Mama Kat's writer's workshop prompt   3.)An Awkward Moment.


  1. Holy Chicken Poop!

    Did not see that story going where it did.

    Good thing you didn't count your chickens before they hatched...

  2. Sorry son of a chicken farmer! I guess it's a good thing you found out sooner rather than later.

  3. OHMYLAWD - was the boy INSANE?!?!

    That is just nuts. As awkward as it had to have been, I'm glad you found out!

  4. Oh My! That certainly qualifies as awkward! That's why I've always said I"d never KNOWINGLY date a man who was married because you just never know if you are getting the whole truth or not!

  5. Wow - you told that story well. Glad you found out sooner rather than later. Hmmm... you just never know, do ya?

  6. Hilarious!

    It makes me think of Dr. House. He says everybody lies:)

  7. Oooohhh..definitely awkward. What a jerk!

    visiting from Mama Kat

  8. Holy Moly that IS awkward! Sounds terrible!

  9. What an idiot! Who would lie about being a chicken farmer? If he wanted to come across as a good ol' country boy there are a lot of occupations that would have sounded better than a chicken farmer!

    (I'm visiting from Mama Kat's)

  10. How awful! I wonder how many of those "awkward moments" his wife endured before she kicked his butt to the curb. I'm hoping not many.

  11. Bummer! And you're right ... awkward moments seem to last forever!

    Visiting from Mama Kat's :)

  12. OMG! I didn't see that coming!!! I wonder whatever happened to him after that night?

  13. Wow...I didn't see that one coming!

  14. OH MY GOSH!!!! I'm glad she didn't punch you or something! He was such a jerk.

  15. I know someone already said this...but HOLY CHICKEN CRAP! That is awful. Absolutely awful. What a freaking tool! That is such a creepy story--why chickens?? Huh.

  16. Wow, what a creep! Definitely an awkward moment. Thanks for visiting from Mama Kat's!

  17. The moral of the story is never trust a chicken farmer with a donkey laugh.

    Especially one who's not really a chicken farmer.


  18. yes, with Elizabeth - glad she didn't whack you one ;)