December 13, 2012
Remember me? I know it's been a long time and you're probably thinking I've got a lot of nerve showing up out of the blue like this, after all these years, and right here in the middle of December when you're no doubt busier than a one armed paper hanger. I know you've got reindeer to wrangle, lists to double check, and a whole army of creepy little elves to supervise so I'll do my best to keep this brief.
I realize I never sent a single thank you letter to you for fulfilling all those wish lists I made when I was growing up. You really don't get the thanks or appreciation you deserve and I'm sorry for that... Sorry that I never took the time to drop you a line of thanks and praise. So I'm saying it now...THANK YOU, sincerely and from the bottom of my heart.
It's been like a thousand years since I've asked you to bring me anything and I'm not writing to ask for anything fancy, frivolous or expensive. I already have so much more than I need or deserve. But if you can find it in your heart to reach into that magic bag of yours and pull out the following while you're in my living room on December 24th, I will be forever and eternally in your debt...
1. The parenting manual I never received. Now I'm not talking about any of those parenting books written by the "experts", the ones I can buy with a click of a mouse or a swipe of a credit card. No sir. I'm referring to the one that should have popped out of the womb with that first "strong-willed" child thirteen years ago. You know the one I mean, right? The one written by the good Lord himself? Yeah, that one.
2. A better memory. Because I'm way too young to be losing mine. I know I'm not exactly a spring chicken anymore but it can't be normal, at forty-one, to keep forgetting why I walked into a room or to constantly be forgetting where I put my keys, my phone, or my pocketbook. Just yesterday I was searching frantically for my iPhone before I left the house and do you know where it was the whole time, Mr. Claus? Do you? IN MY HAND, that's where!
3. Patience. The big bottle. The one you'll probably have to drop by Costco or Sam's Club to get. Seriously. Have you ever tried to reason with a thirteen year old boy or to prevent two brothers from trying to kill each other on a daily basis, Nick? Well, I have. And trust me when I tell you I need the BIG BOTTLE.
4. Just one day a week where everybody does what I ask them to do THE FIRST TIME. I truly believe that just ONE measly day a week without fighting rebellion would add years to my life!
5. Noise-cancelling headphones. I know I said I wasn't going to ask for anything expensive and these babies aren't exactly what you'd call cheap but if you happen to have an extra pair lying around your pad up there at the North Pole could you, pretty please with sugar and a cherry on top, leave them in my stocking? I'll love you forever.
So that's it. I understand that it may be too tall an order and I want you to know that I will still respect you in the morning if you can't pull all these things out of that magical bag of goodies you lug around on your shoulders. Because I am just wise enough to know how important it is to try my very best to revel in the journey...chaos, dysfunction and all. We only get one shot at this thing, right?
Please take care of you, Saint Nicholas Claus and give my love to Mrs. Claus, and Rudolph too. You know I've always had a soft spot for that little red nosed reindeer.
Oh, and just one more thing. If you can't bring me any of the five things on this list, just fill my stocking with chocolate and coffee and call me grateful.
This post inspired by the pretty much world famous writer's workshop at Mama's Losin' It.